I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
