Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
