this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
