And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
