It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
