Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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