Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
