I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Randomize
