he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
