Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
