I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
