my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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