Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
