Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
