operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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