Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
