wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
