I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
