I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
