normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
