after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
