You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't deserve a penis
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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