I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
