Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
