it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
