Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need help removing her.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
