Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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