We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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