What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
