you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Vodka?
Forever.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
