I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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