whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
