You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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