When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
