we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
