I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
