if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.