Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.