Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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