youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
