I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
