We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
