my mouth tastes like poor choices
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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