On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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