he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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