mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
