Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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