I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want to be your penis for a week.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
