Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
