if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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