i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
