so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
