im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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