Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
