I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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