you're like a bully in the Christmas story
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
