bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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