I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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