if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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